Simon Pen Rakshu Revealed
by Number 9
Summary: 9 interviews Simon and discover the personal lives, characters lead outside their gaming courier. "To those who played FFT should know who he is. Since he appeared before the first battle."


It's after dinner.  
You turn on the TV to see another episode of Oprah interviewing a homeless man they   
found in her garage.  
  
God this is boring... you ask yourself why do they broadcast such boring show.  
Then you turn to channel 9 and see an interesting program.  
  
(Suddenly your TV is exposed to infra radioactive light and it flashes 9! 9!! 9!!!)  
  
  
Hello! And welcome to 9. An interview hosted by your favorite host... Number 9.  
  
9: Greetings folks. Today we're going to interview an elderly man from FFT.  
Please give warm welcomes to Simon Pen Rakshu!  
  
(Simon is exposed behind the curtains.)  
  
9: Hi Simon.  
Simon: Hello 9.  
9:So what does it feel like to be the main event instead of just a side character?  
Simon: It feels great I guess.  
9: Simon I understand that you were not satisfied with your role in the game?  
Simon: Yes 9, as a matter in fact I didn't.  
9:Tell us what role you were looking forward to.  
Simon: I was hoping for something more exciting than an ex-pagan examiner.  
9:For example?  
Simon: Count Dracul. He's actually Bob, my half brother.  
He has a better role than me.  
9:This maybe little bit offensive... But as all us, fans don't know anything about   
personal life of our fav characters from FFT, would you tell us about yourself?  
Simon: Don't worry bout it. Cause everyone ask me that. Don't know a thing about me   
A side character!   
(Simon clenches his fists and beats his chest)   
9: Now Simon. Calm down. We feel your pain. Tell us about yourself.  
Simon: My real name is Sam Barton. I work in a bar called "THE BOX"  
9: You work in a bar?  
Simon: That's right.  
9: What do you do?  
Simon: I'm the master. Before that I used to work as a Bouncer for this nightclub  
called Danger Sushi  
9: You? an elderly man? A bouncer?  
Simon: Don't let the looks fool you 9. I'm a very able bodied man.   
I can duke it out with Orlandu any day!  
(Get's up and smash the table in half)  
  
Simon: Hyah!  
9: (Gulp) K... Simon. Relax.   
Simon: I'm sorry. Please continue.  
9: Tell us about your brother Bob whom we know as Dracul.  
Simon: Bob is actually a really shy guy. He currently works in a florist beside Mako  
Canyon. He is interested in seeing this girl they call Aerith who also sells  
Flowers.  
9:Wow. Tell us more about them.   
Simon: I don't know much. Just that he's been begging me lately to write him a love   
Letter Like I said. He's a shy guy. I don't actually believe that the game came  
out alright. He was worried sick when it was his turn to die.   
9: So he is very different at home?   
Simon: Yep. He isn't menacing at all. He just keeps everything to himself and stays quiet.  
He spends lots of time with his pretty flowers.  
9: Do you have any more brothers in the game?  
Simon: Yes. Goltana is played by Tim. My older brother. My brothers are all bald.  
Rofel is played by Morgan. You probably don't know because he is always hiding  
his head. And last but least. Meliadoul is played by...  
9: She is bald too~?!  
Simon: Why don't you let me finish?  
Meliadoul is actually my little sister, Amy. She is the youngest of all of us.  
And no. She has hair unlike the rest of us. Hair... (Stares at his hands)  
9: Would you be kind to tell us little more about Amy? There are many fans that are  
keen about your sister.  
Simon: Amy is turning 19 this month. She is currently studying Dentistry.  
Clever girl, she is. Used to be a head girl and all. She would have done fine  
In that new movie called Lord of The Rings. They would have used her if she were less expensive.   
9: Hold on a second Simon. Because now is the time for our fans to call us to ask any   
Questions.  
  
Beep bep BEzzeeep  
  
9: Hello?  
Kid: Hello? Hi! My name is Mark  
9: Yes, you're on 9. What would you like to ask Simon? Mark?  
Mark: You're so cool Mr Tom.  
Simon: Thanks little guy.  
Mark: I have this question I want to ask you.  
What's Amy's size?  
Simon: What?   
Mark: I want to know.  
Simon: Er... I think we should move on with some other callers 9.  
9: As you wish Simon  
  
9:Hello.  
Prissy Girl: Hello  
9:Hi. Who's speaking?  
Prissy Girl: Sara here.  
9: Hello Sara. You're on 9. What would you like to ask Simon?  
Sara: What's your number?  
Simon: Pardon?  
Sara: Call me.  
Click!...  
  
9:What was that about?  
Simon: Beats me.  
  
9: Well, today's last call. Hello? Who is this?  
Old Guy: Hello? This is Matthew.  
9: Hello Matthew your on 9. Ask any questions to Simon and he'll answer.  
Matthew: I wish to know your sister's measurements...  
Simon: Damn you people! Stop that with my sister!  
Don't talk like that about my sister you perverted fools!!  
(Starts to pound anything he sees)  
Simon: Grahh!!!!  
9: Many people seem to be keen on knowing his sister's measurements.  
9: We'll be back after a short break.  
9: For any more questions, dial 9999-999-9999 and we'll get back to you.  
  
(Camera gets smashed to bits.)  
SF: B-Zap B-Zap B-Zap Bezezezezapzapzapzap!  
Simon: DIEEEE!!!!!  
9: Someone restrain him!  
Get the stun crew!  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
9: Hello. You are watching 9. And we're back with Simon.  
(Simon is wearing a strap jacket and is chained to a mythril chair.)  
9: Hi Simon. Are you feeling any better?  
Simon: Much better. Thank you 9.  
9: We understand that you're old. But how old are you?  
Simon: I'm 68.  
9: But then. It doesn't add up. How can you have a sister who is 19 when you're so old?  
Simon: We adopted her in France when my brother was rescued by her 10 years ago.  
9: What happened?  
Simon: We all thought that he was cheating on his wife and decided to punish him.  
And very conveniently his enemies were looking for him as well by some weird chance.  
We chased him from England to France on foot.  
9: You traveled on foot?  
Simon: Yes. It's a great way to exercise.  
9: Please continue.  
Simon: Anyway. Morgan (Rofel) ran out of money by the time he got to France and was  
in hiding from the local authorities. Seems that the bugger ran into a rich lady  
when she was taking a nap in the bar. He was beaten and was left to die starving.  
That's when Amy found his rotting body and helped him to get better.  
That poor soul did it just in spite for the soldiers. But to Morgan, who lived with  
riches and good food, opened his eyes to look at the world differently.  
Amy was a poor girl living by herself in the streets you see.  
After that incident, he decided to show a better life to Amy and so adopted her  
in our family name.  
9: That is very... emotional.  
Simon: Yea. She really worked her ass off back then just to survive.  
9: Enough about Amy. You're going to make us all sad.  
Next question. Who do you believe to be the gayest characters in FFT?  
Simon: There is no doubt about it. The most gayest character is probably 1st Malak  
Then Rafa.  
9: Care to explain?   
Simon: I'm sure you all heard that they are one of a kind magic users in FFT.  
9: True.  
Simon: Ever compared their magic to a normal black mage?  
9: Tell us.  
Simon: A normal Blackmage's magic is far more accurate and effective than those worthless excuse for a special characters. Put them to a one on one battle with  
a Normal B-mage they will be sure to lose. They have 10% success rate at beating a B-Mage.  
9: You are absolutely right. Any other?  
Simon: No. Just that Reis was stronger back when she was a dragon.  
And worker's hp falls when he uses a ability. That annoys many people by the way.  
  
9: What religion do you believe in?  
Simon: I'm a Buddhist.  
9:Who is your best friend?  
Simon: Have you heard about a guy named Iori Yagami from King of Fighters?  
We go eating meat every Saturdays. I'm also friends with Heero Yuy.  
Sure. He's a weird guy. But you just got to ignore him.  
He likes to call me names and say things like "I will kill you","Releena..."  
9: They seem like a good bunch to hang around with.  
Simon: They are. As a matter in fact, Heero is teaching me how to assassinate girls/Pacifists  
using a wing zero's beam cannon. I say. I can use a beam cannon myself.  
9: Were you ever attracted to anyone at work? I mean your gaming courier.  
Simon: Not really. Although those girls with Elmdor, I found looked very cute.  
9:Why don't you go and say hi to them?  
Simon: Celia was engaged to Brad Pitt until he decided to dump her for Jeniffer Aniston. After that. She's been going through some emotional breakdown.  
9: Lemme guess. She meets a hot guy in the game and that guy is called Ramza?  
Simon: Yes she met a guy and No. Why should anyone go out with Ramza?  
9: So who is she seeing?   
Simon: Elmdor Who else? He and his beautiful HAIRRRR..... (Stares at his hands)  
He can charm anyone with his hair...  
9: What about Lede?  
Simon: Oh you mean Michelle? She is still single. Who would go out with a hairless ape   
like me?  
9: What are you talking about? There are many people out there who like your character. The old saying is there are plenty of fish out there! And what have you got to lose? If you've got nothing to lose then the only thing you can do is win.  
Simon: That was beautifully put. But Honestly. No one out there loves a bald man.  
I need hair. Hair is what I want. And Elmdor has plenty of it!  
(His strap jacket slightly rips as he struggles in his chair)  
9: Why are you obsessed with hair?  
Simon: Because I don't have it!!!!!!!!!!! Grahh!!!  
(Struggles more in his chair)  
Plus. All the good-looking guys have hair. Ever seen a hot guy with no hair?  
9: What about Bruce Wilis?   
Simon: You got me there... He is probably one of the only guys out there who look good bald. But enough about him. Let's talk about me.  
9:Umm... What is it with you and Ramza? Why do you hate him?  
Simon: Because he is in every scene. He is the one who stole my rightful role as a main  
character! If he died, I would have been Ramza! I would have been the main character! Gah! I hate you Michael!  
  
(Lot's of booing noise can be heard...)  
  
Boo!   
Get off you cow!  
You don't know the meaning of hair.  
(They draw their weapons and lunge at Simon)  
(Suddenly Releena Peacecraft stands up from among the crowds.)  
  
Releena: Please Everyone. Calm down. We should not have any violence on the set.  
Oh! I know! I have the best solution to all your problems!  
  
(The crowd suddenly stares at Releena, waiting for an answer)  
  
Releena: Pacifism will make it work! I know it!  
Everyone drop all your weapons and let's be friends!  
Let's eat milk and cookies and we can unite the world~ In peace.  
  
Crowd:...  
9: That was... Random.  
  
(The door to the studio burst open and Adolf Hitler makes his appearance on the show.)  
  
His guards: HAIL HITLER!  
Hitler: You are very ridiculous you stupid girl.  
What ever gave you the idea that you can stop me? The God of Peace?  
Simon: Oh my god! It's Hitler from cryogenic sleep!  
Releena: You'll never get away with this.  
Hitler: But I already have. You see this red button on my chest?  
Don't press it. I don't know what it will do.  
Releena: 'Press'   
(A dark portal began to open from the ceiling and from the ceiling came out an army of   
trained Chinchillas)  
(Releena screemed in agony)  
Releena: Kyah!!!!!  
(She was taken alive through the portal.)  
Hitler: Told you not to press my red button.  
Let's go boys.   
Guards: HAIL HITLER!  
  
9: k. Back to the show.   
If you had hair. Whose hair would you like?  
Simon: Elmdor's, Clouds, or Amarant from FF9 had a hair I really liked.  
9: Enough about hair. What is your darkest fear?  
Simon: I'm afraid of clowns. All clowns ranging from short, fat, muscular.  
9: Clowns?  
Simon: Clowns...  
9: Is there a particular individual you are afraid of?  
Simon: Why yes. Heero has a evil clown thing following him all the time.   
Heero claims that he fell off a truck full of psychos and decided to raise him.  
9: Well who do you think is the tough guy from FFT? Or gal.  
Simon: I believe that would be Agrias played by Genevieve McCraken. She is cool, sexy and makes a good danger girl. She makes Xena yesterday's paper.  
9: You seem interested.   
Simon: Thing is that she is going out with someone called Brad.  
She used to go out with Ewan Mcgregor until she saw a ordinary guy named Brad. Just Brad.  
9: What is so special about him?  
Simon: Nothing. He is just a plain average dumb guy. Don't know why she gave up her  
relationship with Ewan.  
9: Well. That's all the time we have today. Thank You Tom/Simon for joining us today.  
Simon: No. Thank you 9 for teaching other people about the real me.  
I hope one day, people will use me as a main character.  
9: For being with us you receive a wonderful prize.  
A wig that grows on anyone's head permanently.   
(Simon now has the same hair as Amarant)  
Simon: YES! YES! Thank You! Now I can go and ask out Lede!  
9: I'm sure you will. Join me on 9 for my next interview.   
I'm your host 9. Good Night World.  
  
After turning off the TV, you make your way to bed.   
What have we learned from today's episode of 9? you ask yourself.  
Is it that Pacifism sucks?, Clowns are evil? Hair is all that counts? Or is it that women  
originally came from a far away planet in space called Uranus riding on the back of a   
flying sloth wearing skins of octopus?  
No. you tell yourself.  
So what is the lesson you've learnt from today's episode of 9?  
  
Well. dear readers. The lesson was...  
  
THAT NEVER TO PRESS A "RED"(Red is always a button that does bad things) BUTTON ON A STRANGE MAN'S CHEST. ESPECIALLY WHEN HE IS STRICTLY  
TELLING YOU NOT TO.  
  
That is all.  
Look forward to 9. 


End file.
